Single White Females
by GoodyAce
Summary: Paris drops out of the Ivy league and into the DAR. Luke's diner springs a leak and Richard wants Rory back at Yale. Note: This is a real GG spec. script in standard TV Drama format.


TEASER

FADE IN:

Ext. Luke's diner. Day (day 1)

LORELAI is walking, cell-phone in hand, engaged in a characteristically animated conversation.

Lorelai

I don't think you understand. Afternoon Delight has seeped into the deepest recesses of my life. Even now I'm thinking "Started out this morning feeling so polite." What does that mean? Huh? "My motto's always been when it's right, it's right?" We pay for satellite radio, not 24/7 Starland Vocal Band service. Well what are you going to do? No, no, Electric Light Orchestra is not fine. So you're going to send someone out today? What? Oh, for a little afternoon delight? Yeah, I get it. Ha. I'm laughing. I'm laughing because that's funny.

Lorelai has a bitterly acerbic look on her face as she hangs up on the satellite radio customer service agent.

Lorelai (CONT'D)

Hey, Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite

Luke

What?

Lorelai

Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite

Luke

And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting

Lorelai

My God! You know the lyrics to Afternoon Delight? Who are you?

Luke

My uncle bought me the record for my birthday one year. It's nothing.

Lorelai

You played it out. Little Luke in his sequined purple jumpsuit grooving to some SVB.

Luke

I did not have a purple sequined jumpsuit. It was red.

Lorelai attempts to open the door, but it's locked.

Lorelai

Uh? Locked. Excuse me. Door will not open. Pretty girl needs coffee. Why are you outside?

Luke

Cesar was juggling some cans of tomato paste, even though I told him not to, and one of them accidentally nicked the gas meter. I'm waiting for the guy from the gas company to show up.

Lorelai

So you can't open?

Luke

No.

Lorelai

But I can give you money!

Lorelai holds up a fistful of bills.

Luke

I had to shut the line off.

Lorelai

Well I need coffee.

Luke

Sorry.

Lorelai

Well have you switched to some jet powered, gas guzzling coffee machine that I've never seen or heard about, available only to select baseball cap wearing Connecticut diner owners with REALLY caffeine jonesing women about to break through plate glass for a fix?

Lorelai struggles with the locked door.

Luke

The power's off too.

Lorelai

Why?

Luke

They told me to shut it off.

Lorelai

And you listened to them? Them. Them, Luke. Never listen to utilities. That is practically a government agency right there.

Lorelai cups her hand to her ear.

LorelaI (CONT'D)

What? Do you hear something? Is that a blackhawk helicopter ready to swoop down and steal all my credit card information including mid-80s scarf purchases we should all forget about right now.

Luke

You can get your coffee at the inn.

Lorelai

But I don't want inn coffee. I want Luke coffee.

Luke

What's the difference?

Lorelai

Luke coffee is more coffee-ish.

Luke

Coffee-ish?

Lorelai

Yeah. You know, more...help me out here.

Luke

Coffee-ish.

Lorelai

Right.

Luke

I'm going back inside now.

A woman passes on the street, cup of coffee in hand. Lorelai eyes her enviously and holds up her fistful of bills.

Lorelai

Excuse me...

Fade out:

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DRAGONFLY INN kitchen. DAY (DAY 1)

LORELAI makes a bee-line for the coffee maker and pours herself a cup. SOOKIE and JACKSON are arguing over a box of lemons.

Lorelai

Sweet nectar of the Gods.

Sookie

They're too tart.

Jackson

Tart? It's a lemon for goodness sakes.

Sookie

Taste this.

Sookie thrusts a lemon wedge at Lorelai.

Lorelai

Sorry, the lemon-coffee ended with the great heaving of 1986.

Sookie

What am I supposed to do with these?

Indicates the lemons.

Jackson

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Sookie

More like battery acid.

Jackson

Excuse me. These are perfectly good lemons. Look at that! Yellow.

Enter MICHEL

MICHEL

Excuse me. But there is a rather large man looking for you and I am afraid my accent does not mesh well with his absurdly patriotic choice of tie.

Sookie

I'm not paying for these.

Jackson

Yes you are.

Sookie

No I'm not.

Jackson

Well then I'll just get my remuneration some other way.

A sly look spreads across Jackson's face. Sookie smiles. Jackson walks around the counter towards her and...lunges for her purse. She fights him off.

INT. DRAGONFLY INN RECEPTION DESK. continuous

A large man, LEON, dressed in a suit of clothes bearing the emblem of the American flag is standing at the reception desk.

LORELAI

Hi! Can I help you.

LEON

Does he work here?

Leon points to Michel.

Lorelai

Oh, him? No, he's just a foreign exchange concierge. You know, came over in '69. You know, the fall of Saigon, Live at Leeds, Gadaffi, one small step for man...what can I do for you?

Leon

I'm Leon Peterson. We're checking in for the weekend.

Leon turns around and points to a small clan of Petersons in the foyer, all wearing clothes emblazoned with the Stars and Stripes.

Lorelai

All right. Peterson. Right. You wanted the Uncle Sam room? Just a joke. All right, Michel, can you show the Petersons to 102 and 103?

LEON

Him?

Michel

Please do not make me help this man. I am not interested in hearing again how I would be speaking German if not for him.

Lorelai

All right. I'll take him.

Michel and Leon exchange hostile glances as Lorelai leads the Peterson family up the front steps.

Int. Elder gilmore's house. Night. (day 1)

RICHARD and EMILY are sitting at the dining room table attended by an anxious maid. Richard reaches for his fork and Emily snaps to attention.

Emily

Richard, stop. We are waiting for Rory.

Richard

Emily, this is ridiculous.

Emily

She called five minutes ago. She's on her way home.

Richard

Then why are we sitting at the table?

Emily

I don't know. You got up and I followed you in here.

Richard

I'm eating.

Enter RORY. She collapses in a chair, looking a little bit frazzled.

Rory

Sorry I'm late. You guys didn't have to wait for me.

Emily

Of course we did. It's only polite.

Richard

What happened to your hair?

Emily

Richard!

Rory

Oh. It's OK. A light bulb burnt out and I had to jump up on the desk to change it. But the fan was on and I ran out of hair-spray and the whole thing kind of went Liza Minelli on me.

Emily

My God, you were up on a desk!

Rory

It's all right. I changed the bulb.

Richard

And so close to the fan. You could have been decapitated.

Rory

Call me Charles the first.

Emily

This is not funny. Why were you up there?

Rory

Because there was no one else to do it. It's really not a big deal.

Richard

Next time this happens call and I'll send Robert right over. He's excellent at changing light bulbs.

Rory starts digging into her food a little too ravenously. Richard and Emily stare.

Rory

Sorry. I'm just really hungry. I didn't get a chance to eat today.

EMILY

What do you mean you didn't get a chance to eat?

Rory

I was just so busy there wasn't any time to go out and get something. It's all right though.

Emily

It certainly isn't. You're half-starved.

Rory

No. No. Just a little hungry.

Rory splits a loaf of bread and spills some olive oil over it.

Richard

It's like a scene from King Rat.

Int. Lorelai's house / LUKE'S DINER. night (day 1)

LORELAI is dialing the phone. LUKE answers. He's back in the diner, she's sitting on her couch. For the rest of this scene we'll flip back and forth between Lorelai's and Luke's.

LORELAI

Where are you?

Luke

You know where I am. You just called me here.

Lorelai

(feigning a valley-girl accent)

Oh, right.

Luke

Never get involved with the gas company.

Lorelai

Words to live by.

Luke

So the guy says he's gonna show up at 8. He shows up at 9. But he's got the wrong part. He has to go back. He says he's gonna show up at 10. He shows up at 5 with the same wrong part he showed up with at 8. Now he said he's coming back later. But he's got to go home for dinner. His wife made a turkey. I don't know. I'm sorry. We had a date.

Lorelai

It's all right, I found someone else.

Luke

Who?

LORELAI

Colonel Sanders.

Luke

The white seersucker does it for you, huh?

Lorelai

Yes. Pre-Labor Day of course.

Luke

I can't believe you eat that stuff. You know they practically grow those chickens in a lab. They're all pumped full of chemicals, and hormones like...

Lorelai

You knew Susie Parker too?

Luke

It's not funny.

Lorelai

Listen. Can we please cut out the depressing poultry raising conversation until I've eaten?

Luke

I thought you were eating.

Lorelai

I was just kidding. I'm bored. And I know the spectre of a heinous culturally revered foodstuff is enough to set you off on a fantastically entertaining tangent.

Luke

So you're using me for entertainment?

Lorelai

And it's fun!

Luke

I'm glad. Because I think my coffee days are over.

Lorelai

No, don't say that.

Luke

I might have to close the place down with all this lost business.

Lorelai

My God! Luke!

Luke has turned the tables.

Luke

You're right, it is fun.

LorelaI

OK, never do that again.

Luke

Gave you a little start, huh?

Lorelai

Little? Uh, I've got the epi-pen in my hand right now.

Luke

I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get out of here.

We see Luke struggle with a dying flashlight.

Luke (CONT'D)

You know what would be good right about now? Electricity.

Lorelai

Oh, you know what would be good right about now? Food.

Luke

So eat something.

Lorelai

What?

Luke

I don't know. Whatever you have. How am I supposed to know.

Lorelai

All right.

Lorelai walks into the kitchen.

INT. lorelai's KITCHEN. CONTINUOUS

Lorelai opens the fridge and some cupboard doors.

Lorelai

Have you ever read the Emperor's New Clothes?

Luke

Right.

Lorelai

Oh! Sorry, I thought I might have just seen some food, but it was just a piece of 2x4.

Luke

What's a piece of 2x4 doing in your house?

Lorelai

I found it on the street and I thought it might be magical.

Luke

All right. I'm gonna stop asking questions now. You're obviously delirious. Order a pizza.

Lorelai

Oh, good idea. What should I get on it?

Luke

I don't know.

Lorelai

Should I get pepperoni?

Luke

You're just doing this to bother me, aren't you?

Lorelai

Oh, we have no secrets.

INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. DAY (DAY 2)

RORY is running around, phone cradled to her ear, frantically searching for something.

Rory

I know. Just give me one second. I know it's here somewhere.

Rory lifts a couch cushion and, not finding what she's looking for, attempts to move the entire couch. EMILY enters accompanied by a maid carrying breakfast.

Emily

But I liked it there.

Rory

I'm not moving it, grandma. I'm just looking for something.

Emily

Under the couch?

Rory

I think it might have slipped under there. I was reading the file last night and I fell asleep and now it's gone. But here's the folder.

Rory reaches under the couch and emerges triumphantly with paper in hand.

Rory (CONT'D)

Found it! All right.

Emily

I had Eda make you breakfast. I hope you like your eggs sunny side up. I didn't know how much pepper you liked so I just brought the mill. It's black. I didn't know if you liked white pepper so I brought that too. I found this new bread from Sicily, of course it's not _from_ Sicily, and if you...you're not listening to me.

Rory is talking into the receiver.

Rory

No, I am. I'm just trying to get Mrs. Wilkins up-to-date on her application.

Emily

Look at you. You're all, ugh!

Rory is still in her pajamas, quite visibly dishevelled.

Rory

Thank you.

Emily

You need an assistant.

Rory

No. I'm fine. No, sorry, Mrs. Wilkins. I wasn't talking to you.

Emily

Yes. You need an assistant. I'm going to hire one right away. I'll call the girls at the DAR and tell them they're working my granddaughter into an early grave into which she's about to fall looking like Lillian Hellman after a three day bender.

Rory

No, grandma, it's all right. No, Mrs. Wilkins. I wasn't calling you grandma. It's my grandma. She's here. Talking to me. I know, you're only 46. You're right. That's too young. I'm sure he will one day. Well not everyone likes bridge. No. I don't think he can't. In fact I'm sure he can. All right. You have a good day too.

The poolhouse is in obvious need of a good cleaning. Emily has the maid on her hands-and-knees searching under the couch for other detritus. She supervises for about a second before catching sight of Rory's unmade bed and disappears into an adjoining room. As she leaves PARIS pushes through the door and flops down on the sofa, causing the maid to jump to her feet. Rory drops the phone on the island and stands beside Paris.

Rory (CONT'D)

Paris. What are you doing here? It's 9 o'clock. Don't you have class?

Paris

I quit.

Rory

What?

Paris

Yale.

Rory

What are you talking about?

Paris

I quit Yale.

Rory

What are you talking about?

Paris

Excuse me. Is there an echo in here? I said I quit Yale. I came here to bum around, you know, hang out on the couch and watch the boob tube all day. Maybe eat some Fritos, you know, take a nap. I've never taken a nap before. It was always too, you know, common for me.

Rory

Are you out of your mind?

Paris

Sure, this year's paid for. And maybe if I pass the hat I can raise enough money to keep myself in Kraft Dinner until September. But without cash I won't be able to enrol. And with the IRS clamped down on my bank account harden than Bush on Ephesians I'll never be able to raise the tuition. So I quit. I'm gone. Hasta luego Yale.

Rory

You can't quit Yale.

Paris

Why not? You did? Huh. You seem to be doing all right. Granted, your place looks a lot like the alley behind a Bennigans...

Emily returns carrying the bare cardboard cylinder from a used roll of toilet paper.

Emily

What is this?

Rory

That's toilet paper, grandma.

Emily

But there's no toilet paper on it.

Rory

Yes.

Emily

Well I found it in your bathroom.

Rory

I don't get it.

Emily

You're out of toilet paper.

RORY

I am not out of toilet paper.

Emily

Yes you are. There's none on the roll. There's none on the silver, arm, dispenser thingy. You're out of toilet paper.

Rory

Silver arm dispenser thingy?

Emily

You know what I'm talking about.

Rory

OK, could we please bring this toilet paper discussion to less embarrassing environs.

Emily

You're out of toilet paper. I can't believe it.

Rory

I've got plenty of toilet paper, grandma. It's under the sink. In the cupboard.

Emily

You're wearing yourself out. The place is...

Paris

Dresden circa 1944.

Emily notices Paris, who is now huddled in a blanket looking the perfect embodiment of depression.

Emily

Oh!

Paris

Hello Emily.

Paris's monotone is way over-the-top.

Emily

Hello. Rory, I didn't know you had a friend here.

Rory

She just popped in. And nested.

Emily

Well let me get her some breakfast. Eda! Another tray for Rory's guest.

Paris is lying on the couch in full depressed glory, chewing slowly.

Paris

It's all right.

Rory

What are you eating?

Paris

I don't know. It was under the couch.

Emily

My God!

Paris

I think it might have been a Malamar.

The phone starts ringing. Rory answers it, immediately being drawn into conversation with another DAR applicant.

Emily

Rory?

Rory ignores her, dedicating her attention to the phone.

Emily (CONT'D)

Rory?

Rory

Sorry, I've got to take this call.

Rory disappears into the bedroom. Papers still litter the coffee table, the kitchen table, and most of the room. Emily stares at Paris, who's now wielding the TV remote.

Paris

Like sands through the hour-glass, so are the days of our lives.

EXT. LUKE'S DINER. DAY (DAY 2)

LUKE is pacing around in front of the diner. KIRK walks up and tries the door, but finds it locked.

Luke

What are you doing?

Kirk

Excuse me?

Luke

I said what are you doing?

Kirk

Is this some new kind of diner patron screening policy? One second, I think I've got my papers somewhere in here.

Kirk reaches into a jacket pocket.

Kirk (CONT'D)

Now my drivers license is expired, but my passport is up-to-date. Now the photo doesn't look like me, but that's because I had just had a hair-cut and in those days I experimented with mousse. It is me though. It's not...a Kirk doppelganger whom I somehow found, and imprisoned in his basement, and assumed his identity...

Luke

Kirk! What are you doing?

KirK

I'm...going inside. Pending your approval of course.

Luke

But I'm out here.

Kirk

Yes.

Luke

Do you see anyone else inside?

Kirk

It's a slow day?

Luke

We're closed, Kirk.

Kirk

But it's quarter after 10.

Luke

I know.

Kirk

You open at 8.

Luke

Yes we do.

Kirk

So, I believe, by the logic inherent in that syllogism, that you're open.

Luke

Can't you see the "Closed" sign on the door?

Kirk

Oh. That's real?

Luke

Yes. It's real.

Kirk

I thought it might have been a decoy.

Luke

A decoy for what?

Kirk

I don't know what goes on in your head, Luke. Frankly, after that whole doppelganger accusation, I don't want to know.

Luke

Get out of here.

Kirk

You're going to go inside when I turn my back, aren't you?

Luke

Go!

Kirk

Is this a surprise party? You can tell me.

Luke starts to walk threateningly towards Kirk, who takes to his heels.

Kirk (CONT'D)

You'll never prove anything!

INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 2)

LORELAI is carrying a gingerbread house into the dining room. She stops as she comes face-to-face with EMILY, who stands in the threshold with her arms crossed.

Lorelai

All right. I'm thinking about infringing on a whole lot of copyrights right now.

Emily

Hello Lorelai.

Lorelai

Mom, what are you doing here? I mean, other than providing the inspiration for a once-in-a-lifetime Frank Baum moment.

EMILY walks over to a table and sits down.

Emily

I'm eating breakfast.

Lorelai

It's eleven o'clock.

Emily

Yes.

Lorelai

So this isn't Denny's mom. Breakfast is over. We stop serving at 11.

EMILY

But it's 11 right now.

Lorelai

No.

Emily

But you just said...

Lorelai looks at her watch.

Lorelai

Oh, look, 11:01! Well, it was nice seeing you.

Emily

Fine. Then I'm eating lunch.

Emily walks into the dining room and sits down at a table. She starts studying the cutlery.

EmilY (CONT'D)

There's a spot on this one. Oh, look at this. Can I get a clean glass please?

Lorelai turns to a waiter.

Lorelai

Mark. Can you please get my mother a clean glass, um, a fork, and some elderberry wine for me.

Emily

And a menu!

Lorelai

Mom, the menus are right here.

Emily

A clean one.

Lorelai

Ugh. All right. And a menu and a bottle of Windex. For that streak-free shine.

Emily spots Leon eating some blueberry pancakes.

Emily

What is that man eating?

Lorelai

Flat, fluffy, cake-type things.

Emily

He's eating pancakes.

Lorelai

Oh, right, that's what they're called! Idiot.

Lorelai smacks her forehead derisively.

Emily

I thought you said you stopped serving breakfast?

Lorelai

Well we did, mom.

Emily

But they just brought those out.

Lorelai

But he ordered them before 11.

Emily

But obviously the breakfast making apparatus is still intact.

LORELAI

Yes, um, if you mean Sookie.

EmilY

Those look lovely. I think I'll have some.

Lorelai

All right. Prepare to be double-charged.

Mark returns with the cutlery, the menu, and the Windex.

Lorelai (CONT'D)

I was just joking' about the Windex, hun.

Mark

Sorry. It's my first day.

Lorelai

Well then lesson number one. The boss is pretty and never to be trusted when ordering cleaning supplies. She'll just have the blueberry pancakes.

Mark

But it's after 11.

Lorelai

...And above all else vengeful.

Mark

I'll just go and get those for you.

Lorelai

Thanks.

Mark disappears into the kitchen.

Emily

I want to talk to you about Rory.

Lorelai

Uh, I'm pretty busy here, mom. You know, it's...

Lorelai gets up, attempting her escape.

Emily

Sit down.

Lorelai sits down.

Lorelai

All right. So how is Corey?

EmilY

Rory!

Lorelai

Oh, right. Sorry. Hey, sorry, Corey, Rory. That rhymes.

EMILY

This isn't funny.

LORELAI

No, I think we passed funny when I, admittedly pitifully, passed up the house-dropping incident.

Emily

She's doing very well at the DAR.

LORELAI

Really? Well, that's good.

Emily

It is. The girls voted her a raise.

Lorelai

Yeah? Well, good. I hear rent's a bitch in her neighborhood.

Emily

You can stop worrying about her, Lorelai.

Lorelai

No, mom. I think part of this whole motherhood thing means I get to worry about her 'till, I don't know, death-do-us-part. And even then I'll be living in her attic, you know. Haunting her, but making sure she drinks her milk.

Emily

She drinks milk? I thought she said she didn't like it.

Lorelai

That's not what I meant.

Emily

Should I get 2? I don't think she's a whole-milk girl.

Lorelai

It's like talking to a Donna Karan cutout.

Emily

Yale isn't everything. For some people, yes, but not for Rory. I think she's found her niche this last month. Grown as a person. Found her...

Lorelai

Please do not say cap that sentence with "calling."

Emily

Well I was going to say "found herself." Certainly DAR secretary is not a calling.

Lorelai

Mom...

Emily

Lorelai, I know you two were close...

Lorelai

Were?

Emily

And I know you had a, well, different relationship.

Lorelai

Yeah. She sang and I danced. I was grunge, she was super-grunge. It was a whole Ozzy/Kelly thing.

Emily

I think you may be holding on for the wrong reasons.

Lorelai

Holding on? No, I don't think I'm holding on. I think, if anything, I'm holding way off. Like 30 minutes from here-to-Hartford-and-your-poolhouse-of-mystery off. All right. I'm letting Rory find herself. And letting her sink or swim...though that's pretty convenient because her house does abut a pool. So I hope she swims...

Emily

She swims beautifully.

Lorelai

I'm not worried about her. She'll make her own decisions.

Emily

Good.

Mark returns with Emily's pancakes.

Emily (CONT'D)

Thank you. These look delicious.

Lorelai drops an ice-cube in her water glass and watches it sink to the bottom.

AND WE:

FADE OUT:

Act ii

Int. Dragonfly inn. Day (DAY 2)

LORELAI is arguing with MICHEL. RICHARD walks up to the reception area.

Lorelai

He did not accuse you of being a Nazi collaborator, Michel.

Michel

He called me Petain.

Lorelai

Just try to stay out of his way.

Michel

Yes. I will avoid the John Philip Sousa section of our audio library and make sure to refrain from all areas featuring a display of apple pie.

Lorelai spots Richard.

Lorelai

Dad!

Richard

Hello, Lorelai.

Lorelai

Wow, double trouble.

Richard

Excuse me?

Lorelai

Nothing.

Richard

Do you have a minute?

Lorelai

Actually, dad, I'm kind of busy with the French-Indian wars.

Richard

Fine. I'll just sit down and wait.

Richard goes to find a seat. Lorelai, realizing he's here to stay, runs to stop him. She opens a desk drawer and looks up excitedly.

Lorelai

Hey, look! I just found a minute. And a good thing because it's the last one before I answer that whole "To be, or not to be" thing.

Richard

Good.

Lorelai follows Richard into the foyer. They both sit down.

Richard (CONT'D)

I want to talk to you about Rory.

Lorelai

Deja vu.

Richard

She's fitting in well at the DAR.

LORELAI

So, she's up to four glasses a day?

Richard

Your mother tells me everyone loves her.

Lorelai

Well, you know what they say about misery.

Richard slams his fist down on the coffee table. Lorelai jumps.

Richard

This is serious, Lorelai.

Lorelai

I'm sorry.

Richard

She's not going back.

Lorelai

Back?

Richard

To Yale.

Lorelai

Oh.

Richard

We've got to do something.

Lorelai

To get her back to Yale?

Richard

She's a success. That girl can do anything she wants. I don't care what that ink-stained William Randolph Hearst junior says.

Lorelai

I believe the word is poseur.

Richard

What are we going to do?

Lorelai

I don't know, dad.

Richard

You mean you don't have a plan?

Lorelai

No, sorry. Uh, I wasn't planning on staging the Great Escape part two, operation de-haughtify my daughter, today.

Richard

Well what have you been doing all this time?

Lorelai

Waiting. Waiting for her to realize her mistake and come back on her own terms.

Richard

Well that seems to have worked out very well, hasn't it?

Lorelai

It's still a little early in the race to be cashing that quinella.

Richard

She organized a dinner. She found the entertainment. Planned the menu.

Lorelai

Oh, did you have lobster? Because she really likes lobster.

Richard

I'm just afraid she's getting a little too...entrenched.

Lorelai

Entrenched?

Richard

Entrenched. It means "established firmly and securely." It's an adjective. Entrenched.

Lorelai

I know what it means, dad. It just sounded like you were looking for a different word.

Richard

No, entrenched is perfectly fine.

Lorelai

All right.

Richard

I meant entrenched.

Lorelai

Like mom?

Richard

I didn't say that.

Lorelai

But you wanted to.

Richard

I certainly did not.

Lorelai

Like mom! Wow. That's...I think I need some air. Wait a second, was that the White Rabbit? Man, I just hope we don't miss the caterpillar. I loved him. Wait a second, the Queen of Hearts. Or is that mom?

Richard

Well if you're out of ideas I guess I'll have to implement some kind of campaign of my own.

Lorelai

You're wasting your time.

Richard

Well it's a good thing these aren't billable hours then, isn't it?

Lorelai

Dad, listen. She'll come back when she's ready. Believe me, I know.

Richard

Just like you?

Richard gets up and starts walking to the door.

Lorelai

What?

Richard

Nothing. I said just like you. We gave you time. You, of course, came back when you were ready.

Lorelai

This is a little different. OK.

Richard

You're right. It's completely different. Goodbye, Lorelai.

Richard exits. Enter Michel, trailed by Leon.

Leon

And let me tell you something about the Maginot Line...

INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. NIGHT (Day 3)

RICHARD enters, carrying a drink. RORY is on the couch studying a stack of papers.

Richard

Busy?

Rory

Just going through a few membership proposals. We're really making a dent in the 65-70 bracket. Our demographics are shifting. Of course, our retention rate isn't so great. You know, with the 65-70 crowd.

Richard

That's nice. Drink?

Richard offers Rory a Martini.

Rory

No thanks.

Richard

So, I heard you've been voted a raise.

Rory

It's only fifteen cents an hour. But it's nice.

Richard

Fifteen cents an hour! That's an insult.

Rory

What?

Richard

They expect you to live on that?

Rory

Well I've only been working for a month.

Richard

And you've been a godsend.

Rory

Well...

Richard

No, don't be modest. You've completely revitalized the entire operation.

Rory

I try.

Richard

I think we should enter hard-nosed negotiations.

Rory

With the DAR?

RICHARD

Yes. They've practically enslaved you. You're risking life-and-limb changing defective light-bulbs...

Rory

It wasn't defective. I talked to Ken about it and he said it'd been there almost six years.

Richard

Ken?

Rory

The janitor.

Richard

They've got you fraternizing with maintenance staff?

Rory

I just said hello.

Richard

Don't worry, I'll spearhead this initiative.

Rory

What initiative?

Richard

The raise initiative.

Rory

But it's all right.

Richard

It certainly isn't. Do you know how well endowed the DAR is, as an organization? No, they certainly don't have to worry about money.

Richard pours himself another drink.

Richard (CONT'D)

And to think they have you in that cramped, airless office, chained to a desk.

Rory

It's really not that bad.

Richard

Forget the raise! You should quit.

Rory

Quit!

RicHARD

Yes! Look at what they have you doing. This feudal system of serfdom won't work, Rory. Yes, I think your only recourse is to quit.

Rory

But what'll I do about a job?

Richard

Oh. You can always find something else. Or if not...

The phone rings.

Rory

One second.

Rory answers the phone.

Rory (CONT'D)

No. We mailed it out last week. Yes, I did it myself. All right, I'll double-check.

Rory turns to Richard.

Rory (CONT'D)

Sorry, grandpa I'll just be a second.

Richard sips his drink, a look of defeat spread across his face.

Int. Dar office. Day (day 3)

RORY is sitting at her desk, phone cradled between her neck and ear, shuffling papers.

Rory

I know it's here somewhere. I'm usually much more organized than this. People always used to make fun of me because I was so organized. Oh. What did they say? They said, "Oh, Rory. She's so organized." Well I know it's not really funny. Most of them are philosophy majors now.

EMILY enters carrying a brown paper-bag.

Emily

Oh, this place is a mess.

Rory

Hi grandma. One second, I'm just on the phone.

Emily starts straightening up some errant papers. Rory hangs up and turns to her.

Rory (CONT'D)

So, what's in the bag?

Emily

I had Maurice make you lunch.

RorY

Really?

Emily

Well I know you've been busy and you haven't had time to eat...what is that?

Emily points to a pizza box on Rory's desk.

Rory

Oh, it's pizza.

Emily opens the box.

Emily

Ooh! It's green.

Rory

Well, I haven't really had time to clean.

Emily drops the lunch bag on Rory's desk.

Emily

I hope you like veal.

Rory

Yeah. I love veal.

Emily

I thought you might not, you know. Because of the whole politics of the veal debate. Although if you ask me you're going to eat the thing anyway.

Rory

No, veal's fine. Really. I try to keep my meals as bi-partisan as possible. It helps digestion.

Emily

Oh. I almost forgot. I brought you one more thing.

Rory

Desert!

PARIS bursts through the door.

Paris

All right, I'm here.

Rory is floored.

Rory

Paris! What are you doing?

Paris

I'm here. Your new assistant. You said you were swamped. You couldn't get anything done. Your color coding system had gone to shambles. Mice were nesting in your filing cabinets. Well I'm here. Oh, and I called the exterminator. He's on the way.

Rory

My assistant?

Paris

I already spoke to your grandmother. She said, sure, I'll be making less money than you, but that doesn't mean I'm any less integral to the proper functioning of this organization. And, maybe if we keep this to a strictly military hierarchical system where we can both salute each other, like officers, and thus diffuse any bad blood that may arise from class conflict...or SNAFUS.

Rory

My grandmother hired you?

Paris starts shuffling papers on Rory's desk. Emily quietly slides out the door.

Paris

Now I know, technically, you're my boss, but I think a system of mutual respect and a level plane would be the most efficient way to go.

The phone rings. Rory answers and covers the receiver with her hand.

Rory

One second.

Rory uncovers the receiver.

Paris

I was considering a parliamentary cabinet system, with you as the adjunct Prime Minister but I thought that was a little too Canadian, you know?

Rory

Sorry, Paris. I've got to take this.

Paris

All right. I'll just go make some coffee.

Rory

All right. Just cream, no sugar, please.

Paris glares at Rory. Rory returns to her phone-call.

Rory (CONT'D)

Sorry. You know what, why don't I call you back when I find it. All right?

Paris comes back with two cups of coffee. She drops one on Rory's desk and starts organizing the mess. Rory is still chatting into the phone.

Rory (CONT'D)

No, I'm sure you won't have to make another copy, Mrs. Pope. Yes, I know how rude they were to you at the Kinkos. I know, I know. He should have shaved.

Paris

Pope.

Rory

One second.

Rory covers the receiver.

Rory (CONT'D)

Paris, I'm on the phone.

Paris shoves a paper at Rory.

Paris

Were you looking for this?

Rory examines the loose sheet and her eyes light up, momentarily. Paris stands, lit up in victory.

Rory

Sorry about that, I just found it.

Paris

You found it? Looks like we're right back in the ivy, aren't we boss?

INT. ELDER GILMORE'S POOLHOUSE. DAY (DAY 4)

RORY is dealing with her customary stack of papers. PARIS is buzzing back and forth, shouting into the phone.

Paris

I'm sorry Andrade, but your linen service has been severely lacking. Yes, I understand we are only set up for weekly service, but it seems to me like you're advocating some kind of absurdly unhygienic system of non-hand washing, or at least non-hand drying. Oh, so we should switch to paper towels then? Why don't we just ask old uncle Richard Rich to dive into his pocket for some hundred dollar bills so we can dry our hands in bourgeois style?

EMILY enters with a tray of drinks.

Emily

Am I interrupting?

Rory

Only the great linen debate.

Paris disappears into the kitchen.

Emily

So, how is it having an assistant?

Rory

Oh, she's great. She organized all my notes according to the Library of Congress filing system. Only I don't know the Library of Congress filing system so I can't find anything.

Paris swings back across the room.

Paris

No. The absorption rate of that cloth is well below accepted international standards. How do I know? I happen to have friends in very high places at the department of health and human services. Yes, I do. And I warn you, if we stay on this path, you might be sleeping, in the middle of the night, and get a knock on your door. And then, sorry, it's an unmarked white van, and a one way ticket to Ice Station Zebra my friend.

Emily

She is tenacious, isn't she?

Rory

She bit the mailman.

Paris collapses beside Rory and drops the phone on the coffee table.

Paris

Good news. I called out the linen guy and we're getting twice-weekly service. Free. Gratis.

Rory

You brow-beat him.

Paris

I was convincing.

Rory

You threatened to light his van on fire.

Paris

Hey, that cloth is supposed to be fire-retardant.

Emily

So, how are things down at the office?

Paris

Oh, you know. The daily grind. The salt mines. Rory is a bit of a taskmaster, but I'm getting used to it. At first it was a little tough, you know, supplicating myself to her, but I feel safe in the knowledge that the cream rises to the top.

Rory

I'm a taskmaster?

Paris

Don't even talk to her if she hasn't had her coffee.

Rory

Excuse me.

Paris opens her day planner and opens it to a page full of close-cropped writing.

Paris

Now she was all right on Tuesday, and a little crabby on Wednesday. Thursday was Joan Crawford time.

Rory

You're documenting my moods?

Paris

It'll help me serve you better.

Rory

I don't want you to serve me.

Emily

I think it's very industrious.

Paris

Thank you, Emily.

Paris turns to Rory.

Paris (cont'd)

Now, I was going to wait and draw my conclusions from empirical data, but since we're talking about it now I might as well ask: Do you typically start PMSing more than a few days before your period? Because I can extrapolate every 28 days and make sure to stay out of your way. Now I've got Tuesday as a reference point. So let's see, 28 days from Tuesday is the 24th. Should I bring in doughnuts, or maybe a Diana Krall CD?

Rory gets up and storms out.

Paris (CONT'D)

What is it? A cramp? I've got Advil.

Paris follows Rory outside. Emily sits, dumbfounded.

INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 4)

Lorelai is busy checking out the PETERSON family.

Lorelai

So, how was your stay?

Leon

Great. Absolutely great. You know you ought to give him a raise.

Leon indicates Michel.

Lorelai

Michel?

Leon

Oh, he's more fun 'n a barrel-of-monkees.

Lorelai

Well he is French.

Leon

Will you do me a favour and give this to him. It's a little gift. I'd love to see his face when he opens it, but we've got to catch this plane.

LORELAI

Sure.

Leon hands Lorelai a small, wrapped, package.

Leon

Take care.

Exit Leon and the Petersons. Michel sidles up to the desk.

Michel

Is General Patton and his pearl-handled pistols gone?

Lorelai

Yes he is. And, look he left you a present. Why don't I open it?

Michel attempts to snatch the package from Lorelai.

LoreLAI (CONT'D)

What could it be?

Lorelai opens the package and produces a cowboy hat colored with a hand-painted Stars and Stripes flag design.

Michel

Somewhere Coco Chanel is rolling over in her grave.

Lorelai

I think it's keen.

Lorelai slams the hat down on Michel's head.

Michel

Ah, it burns!

Lorelai

Oh, now all you need is a pick-up and some Miller Lite.

Enter LUKE, who marches up to the desk.

Luke

What's going on?

Lorelai

Oh, you know, the usual. Michel wears a funny hat. We all stand around and clap. Polar ice caps melt. Hell freezes over. You know, the usual. What are you doing here?

Luke

The gas guy stood me up.

Lorelai

The gas guy stood you up?

Luke

Right. That's what I said.

Lorelai

I know. It just sounded kind of strange.

Luke

Well there's a gas guy. And he stood me up.

Lorelai

A gas guy.

Luke

I wouldn't do this. Believe me, you know I wouldn't do this. But the power's off in my place and I can't cook anything. I'm starving.

Lorelai

I'm sorry sir, we only comp high rollers.

Luke

I'll pay.

Lorelai

Yes you will.

Lorelai smiles mischievously. Luke follows her into the dining room.

INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DINING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.

Luke sits down at a table. Lorelai pulls out a seat for herself.

Luke

I thought you were working?

Lorelai

Hey, I'm the boss. Break! Do you want me to blow a steam-whistle or something, 'cause I can do that.

Luke

No. It's OK.

Lorelai

Do you know what you're getting?

Luke

Yep.

Lorelai

What?

Luke

Why?

Lorelai

I'm just asking.

Luke

You're going to get the same thing as me, aren't you?

Lorelai

No.

Luke

Yes you are. You always let me order first and then you get the same thing as me. You do it every time.

Lorelai

I do not do it every time.

Luke

The waiter comes to the table. He waits. You don't say anything. I order. You say "I'll just have what he's having."

Lorelai

All right, Robert Peel. I'll order an original entree. I wouldn't want to infringe on your right to be extraordinarily uptight.

Luke

Forget it. Get what you want.

Lorelai

No, no. I'll order something different. But, you know, in order to do that, you've got to tell me what you're having.

Luke

The stuffed shells.

Lorelai

Oh, that's what I was going to get!

Luke

I knew it! Forget it. Order what you want.

Lorelai

I was just kidding. Calm down. People are gonna think this is some kind of Neil Simon re-enactment. Connecticut-style.

Enter Mark, the waiter.

Mark

Have you decided yet?

Lorelai

Yes we have.

Lorelai sits with her lips pursed. Luke smiles, waiting for her to order. She purses tighter. Luke finally gives in.

Luke

I'm going to have the stuffed shells.

Luke hands Mark his menu.

Lorelai

I'm going to have what he's having.

Luke throws up his hands in frustration. Exit Mark.

Int. Dar office. day. (day 4)

RORY is dealing with another phone-call. PARIS enters, wringing her hands.

Paris

He can say goodbye to that truck.

Rory

Excuse me?

Paris

Faster linen. More like unreliable linen. Or disappearing linen. Or not-even-linen!

Rory

Calm down.

Paris

I will not calm down. Did you see my pay-cheque? Huh? I am not paid enough to calm down. The envelope was bigger than the cheque and probably more expensive. I'm surprised they even bothered. Someone could have just showed up and emptied the loose change from their pocket and it would have been the same effect.

Rory

Paris, I'm kind of dealing with a situation here.

Paris

Oh, sorry. God forbid I air my petty, devalued concerns in front of the big boss lady. Although she's certainly well compensated for listening!

RORY hangs up the phone.

Rory

Paris! That was an important call.

Paris

Who was it? Your banker? On the line from Switzerland? Wants to know where to put the next million?

Rory

It was our hall. They cancelled us. Some fire or something. I don't know. What are we going to do?

Paris

The meeting tomorrow night?

Rory

Yeah.

Paris

We've got no hall?

Rory

No!

Paris

We've got no hall!

Rory

OK, stop saying "we've got no hall."

Paris

But we've got no hall.

Rory

Please.

Paris

What about...

Rory

No.

Paris

And...

Rory

No. I called them all. Everything's booked.

Paris

Well...

Rory

What?

Paris

What about your mom's place?

Rory

The inn? No.

Paris

Why not? It's nice. A little Victorian, you know, Thoreau-in-the-woods-ish, but it'd definitely suit the crowd.

Rory

I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable calling her.

Paris

All right. I'll do it.

Rory

You will?

Paris

Yeah. Why not? I mean, leave the dirty work to Paris. You know, the jobs no one else wants. Just heap them on Paris's plate. She loves it. She lives for it.

Rory

I'll call.

Paris

No, I'm already dialing. You know what? Forget it. I'll just drive out there. Bring the seating plan. Finalize the menu.

RORY

Paris. Thank you.

Paris

Of course, since I make less money than a side-walk organ grinder I won't be able to put gas in the tank. But if I run really fast, against traffic, then I just might live long enough to drop these plans off and drop dead in the foyer.

Rory digs in her purse and tosses Paris a set of keys.

Rory

Here. Take my car. The tank's full.

Paris

Full? I was ready to siphon. Make the money, live the life, right?

AND WE:

FADE OUT:

ACT III

INT. DRAGONFLY INN. DAY (DAY 4)

LORELAI and LUKE are finishing their meal. PARIS barges in and sits down at the table.

Lorelai

Oh!

Paris

Sorry, there's no time for niceties. We've got a major time crunch on our hands here and I hydroplaned all the way from Hartford so I'm kind of on some weird, speed-induced high.

Lorelai

What's going on?

Luke

I think I'll get back to the diner.

Luke gets up to leave.

PARIS

The guy can stay.

Luke

I think "the guy" should probably get back to his diner.

Paris

The diner? Oh, right. The hardware stores with nails and salmonella. I think there was a guy hiding out there. In the bushes. But I was driving so fast it may have been a sandwich board.

Luke

Was he wearing a black jacket?

Paris

Well, it was black. I couldn't tell. Although now that I think of it those may have been binoculars.

Luke

Kirk!

Luke exits.

Lorelai

So what's going on?

PARIS

We have a major A-1 level emergency on our hands. Our hall burnt down. Or something. It's not important. But we're out on the streets for our monthly meeting tomorrow. And though this place is only marginally better decorated than the lawn in front of Bob's Buy and Build, the indoor plumbing really stands out as a bonus.

Lorelai

Paris, what are you talking about?

Paris

The DAR.

LORELAI

THE DAR?

PARIS

Yes.

Lorelai

What do you have to do with the DAR?

PARIS

I work there now. Although, I'm actually planning on quitting at the end of the week. You know, scrape another pay-cheque, stick it to the man.

Lorelai

You work for the DAR? Since when?

Paris

You won't tell Rory I'm quitting? Of course not, you two don't talk.

Lorelai

Since when do you work for the DAR?

PARIS

Since Rory was practically buried under a Balco enhanced stack of paperwork that would have been visible from space if I'd had the guts to take a match to it. Workers' unite and revolt type thing.

Lorelai

You work with Rory?

Paris

Technically I'm her assistant. Although she knows who's the boss.

Lorelai

Wow.

Paris

So, about tomorrow. We need 45 chairs. Not 46. That's very important. And salmon. No good. There are allergies. We're going all red meat. I know, women this age and their colons. But that's the way it's got to be.

Lorelai is visibly stunned as Paris runs down her litany of demands. She sits, partially in shock.

ext. Elder gilmore's house. night. (day 4)

We see a gloved fist knock on the door. EMILY answers.

Emily

Lorelai? What are you doing here?

LorELAI

Nice to see you too, mom.

Emily

Come in.

Lorelai follows Emily into the anteroom.

Int. Elder gilmore's house. continuous

Emily

Give me your coat.

LorelaI

I'm not staying.

Emily

But you're inside. Give me your coat.

LoreLAI

I'm not hot.

Emily

When you come into someone's house you take off your coat. It's proper manners.

LORELAI

You got her an assistant?

Emily

Who?

LorelaI

Rory? You got her an assistant.

Emily

Oh, yes. Paris. A real Joseph McCarthy kind of girl.

LORELAI

Why would you get her an assistant?

EmilY

She was swamped. She needed help. She'd hardly even bathed.

LoreLAI

You are making this too easy for her.

EMILY

What?

LoreLAI

You know what!

Emily

Oh, yes. I forgot. I'm such a terrible person. How awful of me to try to help my granddaughter. To make her eat. And bathe. And not fall asleep on the couch with a pizza box for a pillow. Thank you, Lorelai, for reminding me just how terrible I really am.

LorelaI

That's not what you're doing.

Emily

It isn't? You mean this has all just been a dream? How nice. I'd like to wake up now.

Lorelai

No, mom. You're getting back at me for running away from you. Now you're keeping Rory here and, wow, this is like a Rod Serling moment.

Emily

Excuse me?

Lorelai

I can't believe I didn't see this? The whole time. I can't believe it.

Emily

What are you talking about?

Lorelai

I somehow crest the walls of the Chateau Dief here and you resent it for sixteen years. You resent it, but you keep it simmering, you know, on a back-burner somewhere. Though when you learned to use the stove I don't know. And you wait for your chance.

Emily

I don't know what you're talking about.

Lorelai

You finally did it. You finally got her away from me. All those years that you must have wanted to...I can't believe it.

EMILY

We didn't lure her here, Lorelai. We didn't lay a little trail of bread crumbs to the door. She made this decision herself.

Lorelai

And you're just the master of the house, right? Doling out the charm? Ready with a handshake and an open arm?

Emily

You said it yourself before, she's not a kid.

Lorelai

No, but she's young.

Emily

What did you think was going to happen? That you could hold onto her forever?

Lorelai

Excuse me?

Emily

So she left you to come here? Would it have mattered if she had found some fifty cent motel with vibrating beds and those tiny bars of soap that get washed down the drains?

Lorelai

Vibrating beds?

Emily

You're upset because that girl couldn't make it on her own like you did. She needs help. And that offends you.

LorELAI

Rory doesn't need anyone's help.

EMILY

No?

LorelaI

Yeah. And maybe if you'd stop giving her some of your so-called help she'd finally, I don't know, regain her downstairs-maid addled senses and go back to school.

Emily

She's not you.

LorelaI

I never said she was.

Emily

She needs our help.

LoreLAI

You're just trying to control her like you tried to control me. Only she doesn't know you like I do and you roped her. Good job, mom. Guess all that lasso practice paid off.

Emily starts retreating into the house. Lorelai follows.

Emily

She's quite happy.

LORELAI

Even dad wants her back at Yale.

Emily

He does not!

LORELAI

He came to see me at the inn. He said he was cooking up some kind of plan. I don't know when dad has ever formulated a plan before, but I think the act of announcing a plan signifies some kind of assent on his behalf.

EmiLY

Your father doesn't know what he wants.

LoreLAI

Yale is her life. She'll die here. Just like I would've if I'd have stayed. She's not strong enough to tunnel out. The walls are too thick and reinforced with Winslow Homer paintings.

Lorelai turns around. Rory stands in the hall, apparently having heard the entire conversation. She retreats through the doors and to the poolhouse. Lorelai is crushed. Emily is silent.

Lorelai walks to the front-door and exits.

INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE. NIGHT. later

LORELAI enters and checks the messages on her answering machine.

Luke (O.C.)

Hey, it's me. The guy came back with the right part, but it didn't fit. Now I'm waiting for him to come back. Again. He said he's bringing hoagies. I got an extra one for you if you want to come by. There's nothing to do because, obviously, the power's still out. But we can sit on the steps or something. I don't know. I'm bored. Call me back. If I don't answer I'm probably outside doing a crossword puzzle or something. Although you know I hate those. So come by or don't come by. Whatever. Hey, you can have what I'm having.

Ext. Luke's diner. Night. later

LUKE is sitting on the sidewalk, leaning up against the wall of the diner. LORELAI walks up and sits down beside him.

Lorelai

What happened to the crossword?

Luke

How many rivers in the Yukon do you know?

LorelaI

Let's see, there's the...and the...So two.

Luke

Here's your hoagie. I didn't know what you liked on it, so I just got you plain.

Lorelai takes the sandwich and opens the wrapper.

LorelaI

Plain with lots of onions, peppers, and red things previously unknown to man?

Luke takes the sandwich and studies it.

Luke

Oh, he got you the wrong one.

LorelaI

No, it's all right. I like red things.

FRED, the gas company repairman walks out of the diner, toolbox in hand.

LukE

Hey! Didn't I tell you plain?

Fred

I got plain.

Luke

Well what happened to it?

Fred

I ate it.

Luke

Well what about the peppers and onions?

Fred

That was for you.

Luke

You know what, forget it.

Fred

All right. I'm all done.

Luke stands up.

LukE

Really?

Fred

Yep. I turned your main line on. Flipped your circuit breaker. You're all ready to go. Well?

Luke

Well what?

FRED

Aren't you gonna thank me?

Luke

Thank you? You've been jerking me around for three days. I've been reading Kitty Kelley here.

Luke holds up a copy of Kitty Kelley's bio of Frank Sinatra.

Fred

How'd he get Mia Farrow?

Luke

Get out of here!

Fred

All right. All right. But next time don't call me.

Luke

Don't worry.

Exit Fred. Luke and Lorelai walk into the darkened diner.

Int. Luke's diner. continuous

LUKE and LORELAI walk through the darkened diner using her cell-phone display as a flashlight. Luke finds the circuit-breaker, flips a switch, and the room lights up.

Luke

Hallelujah.

AND WE:

FADE OUT:

THE EN


End file.
